In my last blog post I said that my next several posts were going to be observations from my vacation to Massachusetts with my boyfriend. Well, that was two months ago and I gave you guys a whopping one post about vacation! Epic fail on my part. The problem is that I got overwhelmed …this has been a struggle with me over the last two years. In trying to overcome my perfectionist tendencies, I have struggled with getting overwhelmed. Most would think it would be the other way around and that the quest for perfectionism would be overwhelming. However, I think they are both overwhelming in different ways in my life.
In my perfectionism I will do anything within my power to make sure that I do everything exactly right. The problem with this is that it leads to an extreme amount of stress and expectations of myself that I cannot meet. However, in trying to not get caught up in that cycle, I also get overwhelmed. It’s like I don’t know how to act and react without these huge expectations on myself and for me that results in paralysis. So, the thing is that I have about a dozen ideas for posts and a list a mile long of things I want to do, but I sit and don’t move forward with them.
As I processed this, I realize that the paralysis is a result of fear. Wait… didn’t I discuss this before? Didn’t I say that I wasn’t going to let fear rule my actions? The problem is that I let it sneak in under a different disguise this time. It looked different than it did before, so I didn’t recognize it at first. But when I peel back that mask and examine it, its the same old thing. Maybe I need to go back and reread my own posts.
“I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4, NIV)
I repent. I am not one that seeks the Lord as I should. I seek him for things like direction in ministry and for my future marriage. But, I don’t seek him like I should in my every day life. His desire is for us to seek and find Him in every single area of our lives. He wants us to trust him. God, forgive me for not trusting you enough to seek you and invite you to work in every part of my life.