I have a confession to make. I am a control freak. If you know me well then this confession comes as no surprise to you. However, it’s hard for me to admit it. I like to think that I have faith and trust in God completely, but my unwillingness to loosen my tight grip on control shows that is not the case.
My control freak nature has surfaced most recently in my attempts to get pregnant. After a year of being unsuccessful, I decided I would need to take matters into my own hands. I lost weight. I switched to organic foods. I reduced the number of chemicals I use in our home, and that I put on my body. When that didn’t work, I moved on to trying supplements and other alternatives. I would like to say that I was just trying to make healthier choices but that would be a lie. These were all ways of me trying to take control. Unfortunately, these attempts made no difference. Every month the painful punch in the gut was there to remind me of my failure.
Other people like to think you are in control too. They will try to tell you what to do and how to do it. My favorites are the one that like to question whether you are doing what you have to do to get pregnant. I feel like looking at them and saying: “Yes, I know we need to be having sex. Don’t you worry, we are having lots of sex!” Let’s be honest, that is really what they are asking, right? I know they are trying to be helpful, but they feed into that thought that I must be doing something wrong—and if I just did the right thing—the outcome would change.
I am slowly starting to realize how little control I really have in life. One would think that with losing two husbands I would have already realized this – but apparently I am a slow learner. Matthew 19:26 says that “nothing is impossible with God”. I truly believe this, but the thing I need to learn is that he doesn’t need our help. Romans 8:28 tells me that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him“. I am not guaranteed what I want, but I am promised that what does happen is for my good and is God’s plan.
So, what does this mean for my life? It means that I can let go of this false sense of control I think I have and this feeling that I need to help God out, and instead I can cling to hope. Hope does not disappoint. I serve a God that is able to do the impossible and that wants only the best for me. I don’t have to worry that I have done something wrong that it has completely ruined God’s plan for my life.
It also means I can keep using my essential oils, but I don’t have to keep using my crappy homemade laundry detergent. It means I can choose not to wear makeup, but I can still get my nails done occasionally. It means I can buy organic when I can, but I can still have ice cream with my husband.
Which reminds me….I think there is some chocolate fudge brownie in the freezer waiting for me.